


hUH

by sclerant (rufusrant)



Series: maraudercide [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Fic, Banter, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Everybody Dies, Gen, Homiecide, M/M, MWPP, Marauders, Murder, Purposely Bad Fic, Rabies, True Love's Kiss, hahaha, murder at Hogwarts, no chill, rising from the dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 06:42:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15164888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rufusrant/pseuds/sclerant
Summary: The Marauders try to kill each other again





	hUH

**Author's Note:**

> the unncessary sequel to [do nuT](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14877035)
> 
> This is a joke, don't take it too seriously XD

“Alright Marauders-“ starts James, before he is so rudely interrupted by Peter. 

“wAIT HOW ARE WE FUCKING ALIVE?!” 

James is about to tell Petey off for interrupting his genius when Remus and Sirius chime in.

“yEAH! SIRIUS STABBED ME!” shouts Remus.

“aND REMUS SHOT ME IN THE HEAD!” Sirius shouts back, flipping his hair. 

“ _ aND _ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!” 

“ _ aND _ I  _ DO,  _ MOONY-WOONY!!”

“oI YOU TWO CAN GET A ROOM AFTER I FINISH THIS PIECE OF SHIT- I MEAN BRIEFING-“ James cuts in, his attention-hungry head the size of the Gryffindor tower. Remus and Sirius untangle themselves from the hot embrace they were sharing just a moment ago, noses touching (A/N: AYYYYY WOLFSTAR!1!1!1!1!) and nearly kissing-

“bUT HOW WE STILL ALIVE THOUGH?!” Peter screams, almost left out once again. 

“I don’t knowwww!! The author has no logics!” James says in a pained voice. Silence resumes.

“Now onto business-“ he whips out the crossbow that he’d nicked from Hagrid from behind his back. Sirius and Remus follow suit, pulling out a dagger and a revolver respectively. They stare at Peter for a moment.

“You still can’t use your wand, Pete.” James says in a haughty laugh that was haughty. “That’s a magical item and that’s not allowed so it’s cheating-“

“Look who’s talking!! You were using BOTH the Cloak and the Map!!” Peter shouts, an angry snarl in his mouth. “You think you are so fuckin’ brilliant-“

_ BANG! _

“-James, but you are nothing but a prat- ow.”

Peter drops dead. Sirius starts screeching. James gApes. Remus sends another bullet into the chamber to replace the one that is now lodged in Peter (A/N: kekekekkekek ;))))) and cocks (A/N: hAHAHAHA) the hammer. James and Sirius visibly step the fuck back, and Sirius is still screeching. 

“Remus!” James says, after one moment, letting the bREAAAAATH he didn’t know he was holding. “Head start hasn’t even started yet!”

“Fine,  _ sorry _ ,” says Remus, not sounding sorry at all, and removes his finger from the trigger, lifting the revolver up in surrender- hey that rhymed! 

“Alright, you know the drill,” James somehow manages to make himself heard even though Sirius is still screeching. “We have a five minute head start, and after that, we start  _ seeking  _ each other.” 

Sirius stops screeching. “We  _ get it _ James, you’re a good seeker.” James nods in delight.

“Too bad it’s only for Qudditch,” Sirius snarks. James makes a small gasping noise and clutches his chest in personal offence. Remus laughs. Sirius swings his dagger sexily and walks out the common room in a  _ nonchalant _ manner that tOTALLY showed off his arse.

 

**Timeskip: 5 MINUTESSSSSS laTer** Remus is stalking the Qudditch pitch. He stopped in his tracks at first, wondering how’d he crossed from Gryffindor tower to the pitch in only 300 seconds. Then he shrugs, removes his gun from the band of his trousers, and cocks (A/N: eheheheheh) the hammer again. 

tHEN there is a rustling in the bushes that somehow appeared on the pitch! (A/N: mAGIC, boI) Remus sharply turns and aims the revolver to the bushes, and the bushes are thick and shaking like the dude who does the Gangnam Style. It smells like wet dog. 

“I know it’s you, Padfoot!” whispers Remus in a tone that was not actually a whisper.

The bush continues doing the Gangnam Style. Remus grits his teeth, and shoots the bush repeatedly. The bullets fire into it, snapping twigs and burning leaves and sending them up flying, but it still shakes. 

“oH MERLIN. WHY WON’T YOU JUST DIE,” Remus screams. “Love.” Remus adds, for good measure. The revolver goes bang bang bang, but the bush still shakes. 

When Remus runs out of bullets, he pulls the bush right out of the ground and shakes it himself. It is empty but it sTILL smells like wet dog. Remus throws the bush on the ground and kicks it. 

Suddenlyyyyyyyyyy, 

 

Sirius appears out of nowhere, dagger and wand in his hand! 

“oWO?!?!?!” goes Remus. 

The wand is illuminating blue sparks, and smells of wet dog. Sirius retracts his wand with a flick and the bush is dead, and no longer smells of wet dog. Remus’ jaw drops.

“Remus!” Sirius says, in a sing-song voice. “How lovely to see you-”

Remus aims his revolver at Sirius and pulls the trigger. Nothing comes out. tHen he realises that all his bullets are inside the fucking bush. And now Sirius is very close to him, running the tip of the dagger along his chest seductively. (A/N: *fire emoji*)

The dagger goes in. 

“Fuck you, Sirius, you motherfucker,” Remus whispers in pain. 

Sirius looks taken aback. “You promised to never call me that!”

“Fuck you, Siri-poo.” spits Remus, before falling back and dying.

Sirius gasps in shock.  _ “Siri-poo?!?!?!”  _ He cups the face of dead Remus, ignoring the fact that his tongue is sticking out over the side of his mouth. “How is that any better than motherfu- actually it’s much better.” Sirius smiles. He kisses dead Remus on the lips. 

Suddenly Remus aWAKES. Sirius drops his body and starts screeching again.

“Oh, this is so cheesy. True love’s kiss?” Remus rolls his eyes. “Are you fucking serious?”

“NO THAT’S YOuuUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARemusrollshiseyesagain.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”

 

+

 

James had returned to the dorm after failing to find Remus or Sirius. He was getting impatient and running out of arrows, because he’d shot them into every broom closet door on the seventh floor, thinking that they were inside.

All the beds in the dorm have their canopy curtains shut tight, particularly Remus’. James doesn’t hesitate. He slots another arrow into the crossbow and aims, inching forwards slowly.

One hand on the curtains, James sucks in his breath, and pulls it open-

 

-and there is Peter on the bed, face-up with a wicked smile on his face.

 

James screeches. 

 

‘pETEYYYYYY!!!! I THOUGHT U DIED” JAMES scREECHeS LOUDLY, AND ALL HIS WORDS TURN TO CAPSLOCK.

“I DID,” PETER SAYS SOFTLY, IN A WICKED WHISPER. “BUT THEN THE CASTLE RATS TRIED TO EAT ME, AND WHEN THEY DID THEY KISSED ME AT ONE POINT AND THEN I WOKE UP-”

“YOU AREN’T MAKING ANY SENSE.”

“NOTHING MAKES SENSE WHEN YOU’RE UNDEAD! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!”

JAMES LOWERS HIS CROSSBOW JUST THE tiniest BIT. “uNDEAD?! OWO?!?!?! LIKE A VAMPIRE?!!?!1/!/1?1?!/”

PETER BLINKS. “NO BITCH. I WAS DEAD, FOR A MOMENT, BECAUSE MOONY FUCKN SHOT ME, AND NOW I’M ALIVE AGAIN, SO I’M TECHNICALLY UNDEAD. UN-DEAD. LIKE NOT DEAD.”

“OOOOOOOOOOH.” SAYS JAMES QUIETLY. PETER NODS SOLEMNLY.

“wAIT YOU SAID THE RATS KISSED YOU?”

“YEAH?”

“EEEEEEEW RABIES!!” JAMES DROPS THE CROSSBOW. HE SWIPES AT HIS ARMS FURIOUSLY. “RABIES!! RABIES EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!”

PETER’S EYES GIVE OFF A WICKED, HUNGRY GLOW. HE CRAWLS TOWARDS JAMES. “THAT’S RIIIIIIIGHT!” 

JAMES PICKS THE BOW UP BUT MISSES BY A LOOOOOOOOOONG SHIT-I MEAN SHOT- AND THE ARROW GOES IN THE CEILING. 

“WELL FUCK,” WHISPERS JAMES, IN CAPSLOCK. PETER SINKS HIS TEETH INTO JAMES’ ARM, ALL THE RABIES FLOWING THROUGH. JAMES SCREAMS AND SCREAMS UNTIL HE IS FINALLY dead as well and the capslock breaks.

Peter stands over James, wiping blood away from his mouth. One down, two to go.

 

**Timeskip: are you still reading? Anyway,** Peter leaves the dorm with his nose in the air, and is at the foot of the stairs when Remus and Sirius burst in, kicking two new holes through the still-sleeping portrait of the Fat Lady. Remus looks ghastly paler than usual. Peter takes one look and realises that he’s undead as well. 

“Remus!” Peter says, in a sing-song voice and totally ignoring Sirius, “You look well-”

Remus aims his revolver at Peter, but doesn’t pull the trigger. “Don’t push it, Pettigrew.”

“sTOP HITTING ON MY BOYFRIEND YOU RAT-” Sirius whispers, brandishing his dagger.

“hOW THE FUCK ARE YOU ALIVE?” Remus whispers, too.

“I’m undead!~~~~~ True love’s kiss brought me back! Just like  _ you _ ,” Peter sings, smirking at Remus and then nodding at Sirius.

“Who the fuck would be in love with  _ you _ ?” Sirius seethes.

“Decent people who  _ don’t  _ disregard me as the fourth Marauder. That I am a metaphor for the potential danger of underdogs and overlooked things.”

Sirius looks shocked. “That was… actually quite intelligent.” Remus nods too.

“wHATEVER. I HAVE RABIES BY THE WAY!”

Sirius starts screeching again. He drops his dagger. Peter moves with superhuman speed and sinks his teeth into Sirius’ arm. 

“SIRI-” Remus starts, reaching to cock (A/N: nyanyanyanyanya)  the revolver’s hammer, but then he remembers that if Sirius died, there would be one less Marauder to kill. 

“Moony!!!!!!” Sirius cries, as Peter ravages his alabaster flesh. “Do something!! I’m dyING IF YOU HAVEN’T REALISED-”

Remus rolls his eyes. He takes a step back. Sirius lets out another bloodcurling screech that will fill at least half this entire paragraph, so I’m just going to leave that to your imagination.

Remus sighs. Then he cocks the hammer and sends another bullet through the side of Peter’s nose. 

“I hate y’all.” says Peter, even though his nose has been shot off. Then he crumples to the ground, unmoving at last.

Remus rushes over to Sirius, who is breathing heavily, and Peter’s teeth marks stand out bright against his hand amongst blood and bruise. Sirius is still screeching. 

“I HAVE RABIESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-” Remus claps a hand over Sirius’ mouth, and shushes him gently, removing it when his breathing calms and the screeching stops. The moment is sweet, perhaps the last.

Then Remus points the revolver to Sirius’ neck. “Let’s make this quick, okay?”

“What the fuck,” Sirius spits. “After everything? You’re still going to kill your own boyfriend?”

“I’m sorry, my love,” says Remus, and his voice shakes a little. “But we all have to die. That’s what it says in the tags.”

“hUH?” Sirius makes a face. “What tags? What are you talking about-”

_ BANG! _

Sirius screeches aGAIN. My god i am so tired of typing that shit sentence. It is an angry screech, not a hint of drama queen in it. In a burst of impossible last-moment strength, Sirius’ grip on the dagger tightens and he swipes it right across Remus’ neck.

“Fuck you, Moony-Woony.” Sirius laughs, and then dies.

“You’re still ain’t topping me, Siri-poo! HAHAHAHAHA- ack.” Remus splutters, as blood falls in thick drops onto his uniform, and then keels forwards, right onto Sirius. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> hahahhaahahahaaa


End file.
